Sage Words and Wise Advice - But Only If Needed and Asked For

As a parent of a transition-aged youth (TAY), you know, the age between being a teen and being a full-fledged adult, it can be difficult to stand back and watch as your child deals with life in all its harshness and lessons. This is a time when they head out on their own for a job, college or university, to some other new adventure  that will hopefully lead them to the life they want.  For a parent of a child affected by a mental illness, the time can be even more worrisome.

No longer are you able to go with your child to talk with the teacher, coach, etc. about issues and concerns and, where needed, give input to come up with a plan of support. Now it is about your TAY advocating solo for themselves, and you hope that over the years you have given them the means and opportunities to develop the critical skills to do this (which by the way are skills that are important not just for a person dealing with an illness or disability but everyone).  As a parent, at this stage of life for your child, all you can do is impart some sage advice and wisdom  - should they ask for it - while taking into account their perspectives and thoughts, and hope that the advice is indeed still sage and wise.

A recent event this week made me think about some of the advice we as parents have had to give to when things may not have gone as hoped or needed:

• Life is not  always fair  (I know …" Gee, thanks Mom!") even though you try and make it fair for everyone you encounter.  Unfortunately not everyone sees the world the same way you do.
• When you are doing team or group work, sometimes not all the team /group pulls their own weight and you will have to figure out how to ensure each person does pull their weight, or how to share the work if they do not so that you are not taking on the extra burden alone. When setting up your group processes at the beginning, talking about what to do should someone not do their part will help alleviate strife (as life can get in the way sometimes and even though "that's not how [they] do things"). If needed,  use your prof, boss as a mentor, ask them for advice on how to manage these things.  
• Those who are often the busiest are given more work to do.  Why?  An old adage says it's because you will get things done. That could be true, but it may also cause you to become overwhelmed and impact you mentally, emotionally, and physically.  It's OK to ask for help creating a priority list of what is practicable and by when. More importantly it is also OK to say NO.  Trust me, you are not letting people down when you say NO, rather you are keeping yourself up with self-care and mental wellness.  
• Even when you prepare to the nth-degree the unexpected can pop-up that can throw off the best laid plans of mice and men.  Plan Bs are made for these moments but there isn't always the option of a Plan B.  Maybe you missed something that could have adverted the unexpected, but don't waste time on what wasn't done, focus on what you can do differently in the future, what you learned from it, and how to move forward from this moment.
• Create a communication plan for sharing details - who needs to know what and by when. Make sure contact information is shared among those who need to know, include in it how to reach different people.
• When things go wrong, own it if you are responsible, but don't own it alone if you are part of a team/group and it was a team/group responsibility.  Equally, don't "throw people under the bus" if you were the one responsible. 
• Apologize with sincerity when an apology is needed.  A sincere apology can go a long way in making amends. - whether it is done in person, through a note, an email, a call, or some small token of apology (a coffee), or offer to help in other ways.
• Now about some of those adults you may encounter:  Sometimes they are leaders, mentors, coaches, and teachers, other times they are takers, blamers, lamenters, and harsh critics.  Some don't always think about what they are saying or how it can be received or perceived (and I will put myself in this mix on the odd occasion) and the harm that words cause people, especially if the receiver of the words is struggling internally. Yes, sometimes they like to gaze at their own belly-buttons and not take ownership for things they may have been aware of, or could changed by effective communications or actions on their part. 
• Some adults can sometimes forget that you are still learning.  Reading a text book or writing a paper or exam does not make you an expert, it makes you a student, a person who is still growing.  The true leaders, mentors, coaches, and teachers know this and will use both the successes and the mistakes to help you learn and find opportunities to grow.  Figure out who these people are in your life; learn from them.
• People can sometimes jump to conclusions and not ask for the other side of the story before reacting.  Make sure you give yourself a voice.  Seek the opportunity to explain so that both sides of the story are known and understood. It may not change the outcome, but with any luck it will ensure the complete picture is seen. 
• Remember that communications plan?  Share it with those adults who are involved in the things you are working on so that they too can be part of solutions or point out where you may be going off track.  Make them ad hoc team-members of the team,
•  Ask for help if you are not sure.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength and courage, and it provides the opportunity to create understanding for those involved.
• Be polite, respectful even when you feel you are being attacked.  As Michelle Obama said recently, "When they go low, [you] go high." Stay above those who try to pull you down.
• Know that you are loved, and believed in - and yes, I know I am your parent and you think I have to say those things … which I do … but I say it because it is true. 

The Never-Ending Song

Some days are hard; some days feel impossible.
Even when you are doing so much right.
Even when you are shining so brightly.
Even when the world is filled with possibility.
Deep inside, that little voice sings out its nagging song
that makes you feel that you are not good enough, you don't fit in,
you will never achieve anything, that you'll make a mistake.
It is relentless in its singing of the song.
It is like a tape recorder on a continuous loop, playing over and over.
You try to shut it off, and you may be able to pause it for a short while,
and somewhat enjoy the moment, but as soon as the moment is done,
the song starts again like an ear-worm of the Never-Ending Song.
It calls out to you in the dark, it interferes with your sleep.
It stops you from  thinking and deciding, as the lyrics and refrain wrap themselves around
your synaptic pathways and ensure you can't move from where you are.
Its booming base causes your heart to match its rhythm, and your lungs to quicken their
pace of intake.
The song is annoying, and loud, and the beat puts you out of pace with your natural step.
You try and find the stop button to the song, or even the pause button to give yourself
the chance to have quiet, to rest for a second, and to breathe.
And when you do, the singer pulls back, hides under the pathways, and in the dark
recesses of the mind, waiting for that moment when it can sing again,
while you work hard to ensure the silence endures and the peace remains.

There are times when I think Mental Health is moving forward, that the walls of stigma are breaking down, that people are more open and then I see. read, or hear something that makes me think, "Yeah, maybe, but the sun is not yet shining as brightly as we think."

Case in point.  I recently read an article by a gentleman in Australia.  The bi-line read that he 'is one of Australia's best-known people-management thinkers.' In this one particular article it identified that  some people who claim to have a mental illness are nothing more than malingerers or fakers and that all you need to ferret out who falls in this category is issue a warning letter or a similar action and things will change 'until the next time they get away with it'.  I am simplifying here but that was the message.  The assault on this article was fast and swift by those who have lived experience, those who work in the field, or those who are a friend or family member.  The article in itself showed great insensitivity towards those may be dealing with a legitimate mental  illness.   His apology later posted at the top of the article was short and to the point...

"Since publishing this article, an enormous amount of feedback on social media has made me realise it was poorly written and insensitive.  This has been unfair on those with a mental illness and their loved ones.  This was never my intention.  My intention was to achieve the opposite.  At this I clearly failed.  I'm genuinely sorry."

Having checked out other articles that this person has written, I am sure that he truly never did mean harm, but the reality is he may have caused harm through his lack of thinking and his lack  of understanding the challenges that exist for people dealing with mental illnesses, and of the stigma that is often connected with having a mental illness.  This type of article can be enough for someone to think "There's no point saying anything, they will just think I am faking it to get time off or trying to get out of work."  And the end result is another employee suffering in silence, afraid to let their employer know that they need help.  The apology was appreciated and was sincere, but even then, being at the top of the page, it was easy to miss if you went to the main article.

Even outside the workplace this perspective exists.  I was speaking with a person this week who has a member of their family dealing with mental health issues, namely depression and anxiety.  The person I was speaking with has had experience with other people who have mental illnesses but is new to having a family member. One of the concerns that was raised by the person was the believability of the depression and anxiety diagnosis by others  as 'everyone has it these days' and that it isn't really something to be seen on the same spectrum as other mental health issues.  This person is in an area of work that I would have expected to be more aware, and yet she wasn't.  (And yes, I did some education.)

It is important to consider for a person with a mental illness who has trouble coping at the moment, perhaps it is taking such emotional fortitude to make it through the day that when they go home, the ability to eat, connect with family / friends, do homework, focus on day to day tasks is more than they can manage and their world day by day looks bleaker, graye and more   but to the outside world - " They look fine".

These two situations and other conversations in the past week has made me see that even with the ads, the Tweets, the posters, the videos on mental health, and how it can affect anyone from the A-student, to the Doctor, to the plant worker, to the stay-at-home parent, there are many who still do not appreciate the scope of the issue, that just because someone seems FINE does not mean they are; that there is still more awareness to raise and information to share.

Breaking the Silence: Meet our series Videographer

Rachel is one of our original youth team members with Shine Out! Shout Out!  And has been a part of our team for the past 3 years.  We are proud to see Rachel continuing to raise awareness around mental health and stigma while attending university through the telling of her own story with the Break the Silence, End the Stigma (BSES) Campaign.

Break the Silence, End the Stigma (BSES) "is a student-led campaign dedicated to ending the stigma, taboo, and prejudices associated with mental illness by educating schools and communities to create a culture of peer support. BSES began in Nova Scotia in April 2014 by Co-Presidents Cassaundra Henske and Stephanie Morton, two students and long-time best friends, both directly affected by mental illness in their own ways. BSES was started in hopes of ending the stigma surrounding mental illness and creating communities of peer support on campuses."

For more information on BSES go to http://bsescampaign.com